Theseus and the Minotaur- A ReWrite Gone Wrong!
by Ferri
Summary: I attempt to rewrite the Greek legend of Theseus and the Minotaur. Needless to say, it doesn't work out at all...


Theseus and the Minotaur: A Modern ReWrite  
by Ferri   
  
Scene 1: The Stage   
  
Narrator: Hey there all you people!!! Welcome to Theseus and the minotaur! (Insert applause) Thank you, thank you. Now, I must introduce the cast... because otherwise the author will fire me!   
  
CAST:  
Theseus  
Minotaur  
Some evil giant guys  
Theseus's Mom  
Theseus's Dad  
Barney  
Britney Spears  
Jennifer Lopez  
Medeya  
Medeya's punk kid  
Some other punk kids  
Prisoner Girl  
Evil King Who's Name I Can't Remember  
Ariadni  
Some other people   
  
Now.. on with the show!   
  
(A curtin falls down and lands on the narrator)   
  
OUCH!   
  
Scene 2: A palace   
  
(Enter Theseus's Mom and Theseus's Dad)   
  
Theseus's Mom: Whadaya you've been going out with Britney Spears?! I'm sorry I married you!   
  
Theseus's Dad: Well, same to you, you *CENSORED*!   
  
(Enter Author)   
  
Author: *CENSORED*, guys! This is supposed to be rated G! No *CENSORED* swearing!   
  
Dad: Hey, what the *CENSORED* are you doing in here anyway?!   
  
Mom: Yeah, who do you think you are?   
  
Author: The author! Oh, and Theseus's dad: IF YOU SWEAR ANOTHER *CENSORED* TIME I'LL FIRE YOU!   
  
Dad: (mutters under breath) *CENSORED* *CENSORED*..   
  
Author: You're fired!!   
  
(Dad dissapears in puff of smoke)   
  
Mom: WAAAAAAAAAAAH! You fired my little ouchy coochie! Die!! (she pulls out a machine gun and shoots at the author)   
  
Author: *CENSORED*, if this keeps up this fic will be rated R.. Oh, and you're fired too!!   
  
(Mom dissapears in puff of smoke)   
  
Now I need to get to people to be the mom and dad.. Hey! You too, in the audiance! Get over here!   
  
(Enter Britney Spears and Barney)   
  
Britney: Woah.. this is, like, cool!   
  
Barney: Yeah.. I love you, you love me..   
  
(Britney and Barney begin kissing)   
  
Author: OK, forget about this scene! Commercial brake! COMMERCIAL BRAKE!   
  
(Enter Theseus)   
  
Theseus: Chill, babe. You, like, can't have commercials in plays.   
  
Author: *CENSORED*   
  
(The curtin falls down and lands on everyone)   
  
Scene 3: A mountain   
  
(Enter Theseus)   
  
Theseus: Tum te tum.. I'm da bomb!   
  
(Enter an evil giant)   
  
Giant: BWUAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm an evil giant!   
  
Theseus: (wets his tunic) You don't scare me!   
  
Giant: I'm evil! I'm bad to the bone! I sing 'N Sync songs! Wait.. that wasn't my line..   
  
Theseus: (grabs his plastic sword) Die, evil giant! (lunges at giant)   
  
  
  
Giant: I wield a baseball bat! (grabs baseball bat)   
  
Theseus: Oh, *CENSORED*.. (runs)   
  
Giant: BWUAHAHAHAHAHA!   
  
(Theseus runs offstage, followed by the Giant. Tomatoes splatter stage.)   
  
(Enter Author)   
  
Author: CUT!!   
  
Scene 3.5: A mountain   
  
(Enter Theseus)   
  
Theseus: Tum te tum.. I'm da bomb!   
  
(Enter an evil giant)   
  
Giant: BWUAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm an evil giant!   
  
Theseus: (doesn't wet his tunic) You don't scare me!   
  
Giant: I'm evil! I'm bad to the bone!   
  
Theseus: Well, too bad!   
  
Giant: Some call me Mr. Club Dude! (he picks up a club)   
  
Theseus: You'll never win! I'm gonna kill you cuz you're a bad guy! (lunges at evil giant)   
  
Narrator: And Theseus attacked the giant! (Theseus trips and his sword flies through the air and hits the giant's butt, causing the giant to yelp) He fought well, and the giant was soon vanquished!   
  
(Giant and Theseus are still fighting)   
  
Giant: Oooh.. you little punk! (bangs Theseus on the head with the club)   
  
Theseus: Ow! (he wobbles around in circles)   
  
Giant: (bangs him on the head again) Take that! (BANG!) And that! (BANG! BANG! BANG!)   
  
Narrator: Hey! Mr. Giant, Theseus is supposed to win!   
  
Giant: Too bad, bub!   
  
Narrator: (grabs cell phone and dials numbers)   
  
Giant: Hey, what do you think you're doing?!   
  
(A helicopter appears and the pilot shoots the giant with a tranquilizer gun)   
  
Giant: Owie! (he falls down unconcious and the pilot drags him offstage)   
  
Theseus: (eats an asprin) Thanks!   
  
Narrator: And thus Theseus slew the giant! He had many more dangers ahead, though.. but he vanquished all opposition!   
  
(Theseus runs around with a sword and slices giant's heads off, jumps hurdles, shoots hoops, and does various gymnastic tricks. Enter the pilot, who hands Theseus a gold medal.)   
  
Narrator: And he won a medal in the olympics!   
  
(Enter the Author)   
  
Author: For Gah's sake, Theseus! You're supposed to be killing the *CENSORED* minotaur, not winning medals! (boots Theseus, Pilot, and Narrator offstage, then stalks off. The curtain falls.)   
  
Scene 4: A palace   
  
(Enter Theseus, Medeya, and Medeya's punk kid)   
  
Theseus: Yo, guys!   
  
Medeya: Yo!   
  
Punk Kid: Guh.. guh..   
  
Medeya: Welcome to Athens! Your dad will be glad to see you! Wait, he got fired.   
  
Author's voice from backstage: I've rehired him!   
  
Medeya: Okay, then that's settled. Now let's get on with the show.   
  
Narrator: Little did Theseus know, but the evil Medeya and her son were planning to poison him!   
  
Medeya: Shut up, narrator, nobody cares what you say.   
  
Narrator: Yes they do!   
  
Medeya: Do not!   
  
Narrator: Do to!   
  
Medeya: Do not!   
  
Narrator: Do to!   
  
Medeya: Do not!   
  
Narrator: Do to!   
  
Punk Kid: Guh.. guh..   
  
Theseus: Break it aaap, break it aaap!   
  
Author's voice: Get on with the *CENSORED* show! (they do)   
  
Narrator: Medeya handed Theseus a poisoned drink!   
  
Medeya: Here, have a coke! (she hands Theseus a bottle of bleach labeled "Coke")   
  
Theseus: Thanks! (Raises the bottle to drink)   
  
(Enter Dad)   
  
Medeya: Yipes! (grabs the bottle of bleach and pours it down her punk son's throat)   
  
Punk Kid: Bluuuaaaaaaah.. (he dies)   
  
Medeya: Whoops.   
  
Narrator: Theseus's father was overjoyed to see him!   
  
Dad: My little Theesie weesies!   
  
Theseus: My little honey bunny!   
  
Medeya: Forget the mushy stuff, will you?   
  
Dad: Shut up, you *beep*!   
  
Author's Voice: This is supposed to be a clean show, got it?!?   
  
Dad: Whatever. (makes face at backstage)   
  
Author's Voice: I saw that!   
  
Dad: Saw what? (panics and goes back to his lines) My son! I haveth missed ye for so many yearseth!   
  
Medeya: Cut the crap!!   
  
Theseus: Hey!   
  
Dad: GUARDS!   
  
(Medeya is dragged off)   
  
Theseus: So, Pops, what's up?   
  
Dad: Not much.   
  
Theseus: Oh yeah, and why did I see people jumping off of roofs?   
  
Dad: Stock market.   
  
Theseus: Oh.   
  
Dad: The wheel stocks crashed.   
  
Theseus: That sucks.   
  
Dad: Oh yeah, and we made a deal with some guy that we send fourteen people over to a tiny little inconspicious island every few years so that a monster can kill and eat them.   
  
Theseus: The stocks sound far worse.   
  
Dad: Yeah, definately.   
  
Theseus: I wanna go see those people who're being taken to be killed.   
  
Dad: Why?   
  
Theseus: It's fun to prod them with sticks.   
  
Dad: Oh, sure then.   
  
(they walk off)   
  
Scene 5: The docks.   
  
Theseus: So, these are the victims?   
  
Dad: Yep.   
  
Theseus: (prods a guy with a stick) Haha! (turns around) Woah! Who was THAT??   
  
Dad: A prisoner.   
  
Theseus: Wow, what a babe!! (begins to drool)   
  
Prisoner Girl: What are you looken at?   
  
Theseus: Uh... (points at her shirt)   
  
Prisoner Girl: Pervert! (slaps him)   
  
Theseus: Hey! (stumbles back and falls into the water)   
  
Dad: No! My son is drowning! I must kill myself! (leaps off a convenient cliff)   
  
Narrator: And so the sea was named after the father, and titled the Theseus's Dad Sea!   
  
Theseus: Daaaaad! Nooooo! (climbs onto land and begins crying loudly)   
  
Narrator: Theseus was very sad.   
  
Theseus: No *beep*, Sherlock! (punches him) I am through with this show! It's a huge pain in the butt and I am sick of it! I'm quitting!   
  
Author: (runs on stage) You can't do that! You're the hero!   
  
Theseus: Forget it! I'm going out with Britney Spears now!   
  
Jennifer Lopez: (runs out of audiance) How COULD you?!   
  
Author: (rips out hair) Aaaaugh! I'm ruined! (everyone else looks happy)   
  
(enter Minotaur and Evil King and Ariande)   
  
Minotaur: What about us?   
  
Evil King: We're not getting any lines!   
  
Ariande: And my boyfriend broke up with me and my makeup got smeared and I need to buy some new clothes cus mine are like totally out of style!   
  
(long pause)   
  
Minotaur: Uh.. Ariadne, will you go out with me?   
  
Ariadne: Sure, darling! (they embrace)   
  
Evil King: What about me??   
  
(enter barney)   
  
Barney: Aww... you're cute! (grabs King)   
  
King: AAAAAAAH!   
  
(someone shoves king and barney offstage)   
  
Author: Well, what am I going to do then?   
  
Theseus: Punch the narrator?   
  
Author: Good idea. (punches Narrator into orchestra pit)   
  
Narrator: And so everyone lived happily ever after.. except me! (is hit by a tuba) Ow... the end. (faints)   
  
Author's Note: Wow, did that stink or what?? Please review it... *angelic eyes* 


End file.
